It only does everything
by Spikehead85
Summary: I end up in the playstation all stars universe and try to fit in. Hijinks and comedy ensues!
1. Meet the all stars

**It only does everything**

**Chapter 1**

As long as I have been gaming I have always loved the Playstation. I first got my PS2 when I was 7 and I fell in love with it ever since. I always loved all the games on the Playstation family. Ratchet and clank, Bioshock, Ape escape... The list goes on. But my absolute favourite has to be Playstation all stars battle royale. Just seeing all my heroes together makes me feel so happy and cheerful inside. I'm 14 now and am still as in love with Sony as ever. My family thinks I'm little crazy in the head but I don't care. I just wanted to be in the same world as them. Away from homework, school and harassment. Little did I know that I would soon have my chance to join my heroes in combat and arms. Just not in the way I had planned to.

I came in the door on a Friday afternoon. I had just finished school for a week and was hoping to just relax and play some games on my PS3. The thought of those collectables I had missed had been nagging at me all day. I ran to my room and picked up my controller. I smiled as the console turned on. It couldn't turn one fast enough. Then my kid brother came in. He was annoying me as usual. "Watcha playing?" He said in an annoying voice. "Playstation" I replied. "I don't care!" He said as he practically danced out the room. I rolled my eyes and continued to play my game. "Boy I wish I could go inside columbia." I sighed as I played Bioshock Infinite. I knew that this would be impossible but I could still dream. I shocked another splicer and shot him in the head. I could be playing forever if not for my mum nagging me to do my homework. I paused my game and went off to the kitchen to do my Maths. It was boring as hell but It had to be done.

After about half an hour I decided to get a drink before returning the wonderful world of Columbia. I poured myself some lemonade and head for my room. I opened my door and.. my brother was on it. "Dammit Will get off my Playstation!" I yelled at him. "But I want a turnnn..." He moaned. "Please leave." I said. He jumped off my bed and walked out again. I sighed and tripped over a loose wire. My lemonade and I went flying into the console and I was shocked. literally. But inside of being cooked I was sucked into a sort of blue portal. I could only imagine where I would end up. Hades? Paris? Parappas town? I closed my eyes and just waited for the portal to take me to wherever.

I opened my eyes and discovered that I was inside some sort of mansion. It was covered in blue and white walls. I looked around only to be greeted by Sweet tooths mask in the face. I jumped back a little. Where the heck did he come from? "Good morning little boy." He said in a creepy tone. The kind of tone that sends shivers down your spine. "Be silent you old clown!" Came the yell of Kratos, the killer of gods and mortals alike. "Silence!" Came the scream of a giant purple head. Polygon man. "The new warrior must rest." Warrior? I was a new warrior? "Now then young one. Please tell me your name." "It's Jack." I said. I could not believe I was actually talking to THE Polygon man. "I see." He said with a booming voice. "follow me."

I did as I was told and followed him to a large room. It was filled with a bunch of weapons and plasmids from playstation games. "Now then. Choose the one you want." He said. I couldn't believe it. Looking around the room of weapons, gadgets and others one of it became very clear what I wanted. I quickly ran to the Bucking bronco vigor and instantly drank it down in a huge gulp. "So that's the one you've chosen?" Boomed Polygon man. "Very well." He conjured a room key and some spare clothes out of thin air. "Here is your room key. I'll leave you to get settled in your new room." And with that he disappeared in a flash of purple. I was a little confused about the whole thing but decided to just go to my new room. It seemed I was going to be stuck here a while anyway.

I made my way down the blue corridor and finally located my room number. I nervously put the key in the lock and turned it. I'd be okay as long as Kratos and/or Sweet tooth wasn't one of my room mates. I'd end up with a giant hole in my chest by the end of 5 minutes. I opened the door to see two pairs of eyes looking at me. One from a human, one for a dog. I'd recognise those faces anywhere. They were Spike, hero of Ape Escape and Parappa, the worlds only rapping dog. I decided to break the silence. "Hey, I'm Jack and I'm your room mate." I said. I wasn't normally this shy, In fact I was usually the crazy one of my friends but I didn't want to mess up in front of two of my idols! "Hey Jack." Said Parappa. I was glad to finally be making a decent conversation with them. I put my clothes and things away inside my drawer. "Nice jeans." Said Spike. "But mine are better." "No they're not!" I said, chucking a pillow in spikes face. He picked it up and hit me with it. "Pillow fight!" Shouted Parappa. That did it. The three of us were going at it tooth and nail with pillows. I think being in the all stars is going to be fun.


	2. Do's and Dantes

**Chapter 2**

**Do's and Dante's. **

It had been a few days since I had arrived in the Playstation mansion. I had met everyone and pretty much adjusted to life here. I was still wondering how life was back in my world however. The weird thing was, I hadn't been chosen to fight once. It seemed pretty strange. That morning I was going off to breakfast as usual when I felt a sharp poke in my back. It was Dante, probably wanting to fight me. "Hey kid, stop being a bitch and get on the field already." He said with a smirk. I wanted to wipe that stupid grin off his face but he'd probably beat me hands down. "Oh, hang it in your ear." I said as I walked away. "Whatever, you'll be sorry when It's your turn." And with that he walked away. "What a dick." I thought to myself as I headed for breakfast.

"So, didja see my victory yesterday?" "Yep! You sure showed Nariko whose boss!" As usual I was sitting with my roommates Parappa and Spike. Spike had won a fight yesterday and was bragging about it all day and night. Looking back on it though, it was pretty cool. I could only wait until I got picked to fight. Boy, I couldn't wait to show Dante a thing or two! If he didn't kick my butt first that is. I decided to hide my fear and just act cool to the situation. "Yeah, well I can't wait to find out who's fighting me!" I said with a lot of false modesty. "That'll be me then." Came the voice of Dante from behind me. I gulped. I was no coward but Dante pretty much scared the hell out of me. "Yeah.. Well I hope you like feet cause you're gonna get mine in your stupid face!" I yelled at him. He looked like he wanted to kill me but he held it back. "We'll see kid." He muttered as he walked out. I gulped again. I was gonna need a miracle to win. "Dude, your gonna get your ass kicked." Said Daxter. I couldn't agree more but I kept it to myself.

"Hup-hoo, Hup-hoo. Hup-hoo" I was doing push-ups on my rooms floor since I needed the extra training. According to the announcement board I was to fight Dante, Ratchet and Nathan in less than an hour. There was no time to lose. Parappa was reading a comic book and Spike was yelling at me to work harder. "Come on you monkey! Work those arms!" unfortunately my upper body strength ran out and I fell on the floor. Spike groaned. "C'mon Jack, you gotta work hard if you want beat Dante." This gave Parappa an idea. "Hey bud, I bet Dante could do more push-ups than you!" "Oh yeah!? We'll see bout that!" I instantly began exercising again, my tiredness being replaced by a need to prove him wrong. "It's the only way to do it." Parappa said to Spike as he poured more energy drink into my mouth. I began to do push ups so fast I was practically a blur. "Where did you get this Jack?" Asked Spike. "Oh... uhhh.." "Dammit where's my red bull!?" Sly shouted from down the hall. "The irony." Said Spike. "We all nodded in agreement."

Finally, the moment of truth came. My only hope was my Bucking Bronco Vigor powers. I knew I probably didn't stand a chance but I was determined to try anyway. The stage was chosen: Hades. "You ready to get your ass kicked kid?" The all too familiar voice teased." "Oh, shut-up!" I yelled at Dante. I'd had enough of him being a jerk to me.


	3. Warrior's way

**Chapter 3**

**Warrior's way  
**

"Hades selected." The words of the stage selection rang through my ears. I was faced with a choice. Either I could fight or I could chicken out. I decided to go with the former. I'd never hear the end of it if I backed out. It was too late anyway, Hades appeared in front of me, rocks and all. The giant beast of the same name roared in the background. Nathan, Ratchet and Dante all spawned around me. This was it, no turning back now. "Ready? Fight!" Came the announcer.

Immediately, Dante chased after me. I jumped out of the way and dodged past Ratchet. A freeze missile appeared in front of me. I grabbed it like it was no tomorrow and tossed it like a javelin at Nathan, slowing him to a halt. I ran up to him, jumped and smacked him in the face with my foot, knocking him away and giving me some AP. It was strange having to jump to kick someone in the head. In my world I would have been round about Nathans size but here I was only a bit taller than Spike and Parappa. I turned round only to get a RYNO to the face. Next thing I knew I was spawned back onto the stage. Now I had to get serious. I pulled out a Frying pan that I had collected earlier and charged at full speed towards Dante. I must have caught him by surprize because i struck him 3 times in the back and knocked him away. That gave me enough for my Level 1. I decided to save it for my level 3 so I could take everyone out at once and rack up the kills. while everyone else was busy fighting I looked around for power ups to help me. "Hot potato!" A propane tank flew through the air over my head, only barely just missing me. I turned away to dodge the explosion only to get slashed by Dante's sword. Thankfully it only took some fabric off my shirt. I only just managed to block another strike from the sword and rolled past him.

Thankfully, Ratchet was shooting at Dante and caused him to dash away from me. That just left Mr. Drake. Jumping over his barrels not unlike Mario I prepared to slash him in the chest... Only to get a machine gun to the face. I wondered how machineguns and swords hadn't killed us yet. It didn't matter. Only a minute and a half was left on the clock. I needed to get some kills quickly. unfortunately I only had 1 level of meter. I needed at least one more to even stand a chance. As if by luck a box of AP landed beside me. I grabbed it and absorbed it, raising my AP to level 2. I dodged another attack from Dante and smacked him in the face. He fell to the floor which gave me the opportunity to strike him in the peanuts. He fell on his knees and rolled behind me. He activated his level 2 and took out both me and Nathan. After spawning I had nearly got enough for my level 3. The time fell to 45 seconds. I had to get another level before time ran out. I decided to wait until one of my foes separated from the group before I would strike. Just as I suspected Ratchet spaced out from the group which gave me the chance to run up to him and smack him the face twice. eventually I had obtained 3 levels of meter.

activating it, I launched a bucking bronco across the stage. While everyone was floating in place I went up to all of them and smacked them all in the face. 1, 2 ,3 the KO's kept racking up. Before I knew it the super was over. And not a moment too soon. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Time up! The moment the commentator uttered those words the results popped up on the screen. Ratchet cam last, I came third, Nathan was second and Dante was first. "Great." I thought to myself. "The last thing that jerk needed was an even bigger ego." The four of us were teleported back to the main lobby.

"Sucks to you kid." Said Dante with a smug smile on his stupid face. He punched me in arm and went off to his room. "Pfft." Went Parappa. "Don;t listen to him bud." "Not like I was going to anyway but thanks." I said with a smile. Dante was a bit of a prick and we all knew that. That's why no one really took his opinions seriously. "What a Dick." Said Spike. We all nodded in agreement again.


	4. Garage band

**Chapter 4**

**Garage band  
**

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. "UGGGGGG!" Parappa, Spike and I were all bored. "I'm bored." Said Parappa. "Tell me something I don't know". I replied. "Theres gotta be something we could do." Spike said as we flicked through music video after music video. Then it hit me! "I know what we can do!" I shouted. "What?!" Came my two roommates. "Let's get a soda. I'm thirsty." "Well at least it's something." said Spike.

**LATER...**

The three of us were still looking at the mind draining box known as T.V. The only difference was that we were all drinking soda. Just then I remembered my idea. "Hey fellas, how bout we make one of those music videos?" "Sounds good." Said Parappa. "Damn right!" I yelled. "we're gonna be the best boy band ever since one direction! All we need is some cool costumes and a lot of auto-tuner." "What about lyrics?" "Simples, we'll just sing about the first thing that comes into our heads. All the big bands in my world are doing it!" The three of us grabbed some paper and pencils and started to plan our first hit single. "How bout a song about monkeys?" "No, love!" "No, Pizza!" Progress was moving along slowly. Still, better than being bored and doing nothing. "No, soda!" "Alright." "Yeah!" With a subject finally being chosen we set to work discussing lyrics, instruments, etc.

"Alright then. Let's see how it sounds so far." Said parappa. We'd been at the song for nearly an hour now. "Soda is cool!" We all sang. That was it. "Maybe we should do a cover." I suggested. We all agreed to that. "Now then, what song should we do?" "applause!" "No, Wings!" "No, Friday!" Spike and I looked at Parappa. "What? It's.. Interesting... and...relatable?" "No." Said Spike. Then came a knock like thunder. It was Dante. (surprise, surprise) "Keep it down brats." He growled at us. "He saw our band ideas and snatched them off us, practically falling back as he laughed. "You're gonna be a band? Good luck with that!" I launched a bucking bronco at him, making him drop the paper and float helplessly in the air. "Come on boys, let's go somewhere critic free." I said. The three of us walked past Dante and shoved him into the nearby wall as he growled at us. "Look Mr.B, a person balloon!" Exclaimed Little sister as she and Big daddy walked by. Dante groaned as he dropped to the floor.

"Alright boys! Let's play! A 1, 2 ,3, 4!" I yelled as loud as I could. "I live for the applause, applause, applause!" Wrang, smash, bang, kaboosh! "YAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" "Well I think that sounds lovely." Said Spike. "Let's play it again!" But before we could do anything else a sword came out of nowhere and poked a big hole in the guitar I was playing. "RAIDEN! What was that for!?" I yelled at him. "That was for the good of eardrums everywhere." That was all he said before grabbing his sword and walking off again. "Everyone's a critic." Parappa groaned. "Don't listen to him. We just need a bit of autotune... Or a lot." Parappa put the autotune on his mic up to 11 and we tried again. "Applause, applause!" Bang, smash, bang, crunch, kaboom! The door practically snapped open to show Sweet tooth with a chainsaw. "Where is he?!" "Who?" "Justin Bieber! I want to kill that little dick!" The three of us looked at each other. "He's in your closet." "What!?" Sweet tooth revved up his chainsaw and ran off."Well that was just weird." Said Parappa as he turned down the autotune. "Now what?" "Hmmm. Boys!" I said with a smile on my face. "I've got me an idea!"

**A few minutes later**

"1 million views!?" It had been a few minutes since we sent our failed attempt at a music recital on the internet. The title was "Worst band evah!" And it had already become inter-famous. We could still hear half the all-stars laughing their heads off about it. "Are you sure this was the only way Jack?" Parappa asked me. "Yes and look at the views it's giving us! We'll be more famous than a laughing cat!" "Well I guess that's something..." Spike replied. "Well at least it's better than Justin bieber." At that moment Justin's new single popped up. In the span of a second it had gained 2 million views. "Darn it!" Cursed Spike. We all looked at each other. There was only one thing to be done. WE grabbed a punching bag and pasted a picture of Justin Bieber on it. It was time for revenge.

We walked to the biggest cliff we could find, and threw the Bieber bag on the ground. We then proceeded to whack, smack and tear at it from all angles. Soon it was half-broken. We picked it up and threw it into the sea. A short walk away we saw a man selling wetsuits and air tanks for hire. "Three please." I said as he handed us the scuba gear. We then swam to where we dumped the Bieber bag and continued hitting it with our fists, stun clubs, frying pan, etc, etc. Then we fed it to a nearby shark. It ate it whole and swam off again. "Was that nessacery?" Asked Parappa. "Yep!" Spike and I answered. "That little jerk deserves it for making our ears bleed." The three of us went to bed that night happy with ourselves and the world. Maybe Sweet tooth did have the right idea after all


	5. Operation: Weapons

**Chapter 5**

**Operation: Weapons  
**

"And in conclusion.. Feeding a shark a punching bag just might be the stupidest thing we've ever seen." The news blared. It was the day after Spike, Parappa and I had got our revenge on Bieber. Nobody knew it was us and that was the thing it was going to stay. However, boredom had once again reared it's ugly mug and I was determined to keep it away. This was not uncommon with me. There had to be a way to keep myself entertained until my next fight. The only thing that could possibly distract me was the sound of Fat princess stuffing her face with cake, as per usual. "Could you chew with your mouth shut?" I asked her. "Mumph Mumph." Was her cake filled reply. "Well, that was pointless." I thought to myself as I walked out the sitting room. I wondered what Spike or Parappa were up to.I had only walked a short way before I had passed the arena viewing room. I decided that with nothing better to do, I should watch. Dante and Spike were fighting in a team match against Kat and Nariko. I watched as weapons switched as fast as the eye could see, cannons firing every where, it was chaos. Then it hit me. All I had was a frying pan and Bucking bronco, I needed more fire power if I was ever going to actually win a match. I ran back to my room to make battle plans.

"Ok, so if I can borrow Rebellion and a few guns I should be okay for the time being." I said to myself as I made plans for more weapons. "Though... A couple more guns from RAtchet wouldn't hurt..." Spike came in. "Watcha up to Jack?" "Battle plans, I've decided I need more weapons if I'm ever going to kick Dantes butt." "Well where are you going get all these weapons?" I hadn't thought of that. That had to be some way to get more weapons. Then a lightbulb went off in my head. "The kitchen." I said. "The what!?" "There's bound to be stuff I can use in there!" And before Spike could reply I was already on my way there. "Hey, wait up!" I heard Spike yell as he ran after me.

"keep, keep, nope." I was sorting though a bunch of kitchen utensils to see which would make good weapons. So far I had obtained a butcher knife, another frying pan, a ladle and a very long fork you use for carving meat. "Right, now I just need a belt to kep it all in!" I said to Spike as I grabbed an apple. "Are you sure that's going to be enough?" Spike asked. "A couple of kitchen utensils against guns, gadgets and who knows what else?" "I have bucking bronco too ya know!" "Yeah but..." But I wasn't listening. I had to find a belt to keep my new weapons in. And I knew just the person who could help me with that. "Hey your majesty, think your workers can fix a few weapons holders in my belt?" I asked Fat princess while holding a big slice of chocolate cake in my hand. She grabbed it and gobbled it down. "I'll see what I can do!" She smiled. And off she went, no doubt thinking that I would give her another if she did a good job. "Watch out boys.." I said to myself. "Jacks got some brand new tricks..."

**The next morning**

As I walked out to Breakfast that morning I couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was staring at me. It was most likely the fact that I had kitchen utensils littering my belt. I sat down with a bowl of Cornflakes and tried ignore the stifled laughter. "Nice belt chef!" Yelled Daxter as Jak had to put his hand over the ottsels mouth to shut him up. "Laugh now!" I yelled. "But when you're being skewed you'll be sorry!" Of course to do that I'd have to get past Jak. I tried not to think about it too much. "No offense bud but you look like a right twit with that belt on." Jak said. "I'm going for weapons not looks!" I replied. Let them laugh. The next time they had to face me they'd be sorry.

"But are you sure!?" "Yes! Now attack me!" "Okay, you asked for it." Kat charged at me at full speed but I was ready. I launched my Bucking bronco and watched as she flew helpless in the air, allowing me to smack her senseless with my frying pans. Then it wore off. "This isn't good.." I thought to myself. And I was right. She kicked me side to side, back to front and knocked me away. I landed on my weapons, hard. I picked up my ladle and ran at her again. At least I would have done if I hadn't tripped over my frying pans and fallen head first onto the training room floor. Kat held me in a submission lock. "Uncle?" She said with a triphamtant grin on her face. "Never!" I cried before getting my leg stabbed by my long fork. Blood was dripping down my leg quite fast. Kat let go of me. "You okay?" She asked with concern in her voice. "Yeah." i said. "How the heck does Dante do it?" I thought to myself as she took me to the med room.

My leg had stopped bleeding but were still quite sore. Still, there was one thing I had to do. I took my "Weapons" and put them back in the kitchen. With the exception of my frying pan of course. "Given up the whole "Act like me" thing?" Dante asked. "Yeah." I replied. "And I learnt a very important lesson today." "And what would that be kid?" "I learnt that before you try to impersonate someone always make sure to not copy their weapon choices." I laughed. "seriously? How do you and Spike handle that many weapons?" Dante smirked. "It's all in the wrist."


	6. Like Demon, like boy

**Chapter 6**

**Like demon, like boy**

"Again! Again!" Came the cries of Sackboy and little sister as they begged me for another go. "Alright!" I launched a bucking bronco at them, causing the two friends to float like balloons. "Look Mr B! We're ballooneys now!" The little sister shrieked with joy. Big daddy moaned back not unlike a whale. We'd been doing the same thing for nearly half an hour, I'd float them with bucking bronco, Lil sis and sackboy would float around for about a minute then Big daddy would catch them and we'd start over. I **WAS **doing this out of kindness but also because I didn't want a giant hole in my chest. That was one thing I wanted to avoid. "Hey buster!" Dante called. I guessed he was talking to me. "Come on, the battles starting." "Oh right!" I said. I had nearly forgotten that today Dante and I were going up against Emmet graves and Heihachi. "Can we play again soon?" Little sister asked innocently. "Yeah." I said as Dante and I walked off to the arena. We'd been enemies when I first arrived but over time we found some respect in each others abilities (Somehow).

"Dreamscape chosen. First team to 5 kills wins." Polygon mans voice boomed. The four of us all looked at each other. I was up against some tough completion here and I didn't want Dante to carry my dead weight around. I'd never hear the end of it if he did. The area around us transformed into a gren field with a single hill and two walls with stickers on them. "Ready? Fight!" As soon as we heard those words the 4 of us sprung into action. I ran off to chase down Emmet and smack him senseless. It turns out though that he was ready for me and hit me in the head with the butt of his gun. He then kicked me away like a football. I landed right next to Dante. "Having trouble kid?" I nodded. "Too bad." And he went off to fight with Heihachi again. I couldn't understand what the old guy was saying but it sounded angry. I charged at Emmet again and hit him square in the peanuts. In that moment smacked him a few more times and managed to get enough of my level 1. Dante meanwhile had also got his. Then I had an idea.

"Dante! Throw Heihachi over here!" I yelled. "Alright kid, heads up!" Dante tossed Heihachi over and I spun round and round with my frying pan, not unlike Raiden. Heihachi burst into dust and reappeared moments later. We had a 1-0 lead over Team Old/Emmet. AS soon Emmet came back he wernt off to help Heihachi tackle Dante. It turned out to be a mistake as Dante killed them both with his level 1, bring the score to 3-0 to us. We had a clear lead and we planned to keep it. That's when we both got hit in the face with Heihachi's fist. He smashed us up pretty bad and to add insult to injury destroyed us with his level 1. I respawned on top of the beanstalk just as Buzz was taking over the stage. It was 2-2 and Dante and I needed to up our game If we were going to win. "Who has the catchphrase "I gotta believe?" Buzz asked as the clock ticked. We knew it was Parappa and the 4 of us dashed to the center stage to get the AP bonus. AS the clocked ticked on we thrashed each other left and right as we struggled to stay on. Ironically I was the only one knocked off and the only one hit in the face with a pie. The worst bit was that it was custard, and I hated custard. "Yuck!" I shouted as I wiped it off my face.

"look out!" I narrowly ducked under a flying Emmet as Dante smirked. "Nice reflexes." He said in that "I don't really care" kind of way. I simply flipped a bit of my hair and nodded. I was trying to act cool and I wasn't sure if I was doing it right. It didn't matter now. What did was winning the fight. I smashed open a Ap box and hat gave me enough for my level 1. I decided to save it for level 3 like I did in my first fight. If it worked then it would work now. At least that's what I hoped. I charged forward again only to be grabbed by Heihachi and thrown into Dantes chest. It hurt like hell on a plate of hot soup. We got up and were both crushed by a rift bomb. When we returned buzz had gone and our opponents had a 4-3 advantage. Thank fully I had a plan. But we needed some meter first. We ganged up on Heihachi and each managed to get our level 2. It was time for our plan to b put into action. Dante rolled behind Heihachi and knocked him down in front of me. Emmet dived down from the sky but i only just managed to dodge. Then I used my level 2: The bucking bronco. The two men were lifted up into the air. Dante then charged forward with the stinger , killing them both in one blow. "Victory!" Scream the voice as we all teleported back.

"Nice job kid." Dante said as he punched my arm. I just smirked and snatched a ciggerate out of his pocket. "Gotta light?" "You're joking right?" I chuckled a little. "Yeah. It'll kill ya." "Yeah but what ya gonna do?" Dante walked off and threw a quarter in my face. "Hmm, a quarter." i said, only to have Parappa grab it off me. "You owed me a quarter." He said before skating off. "Hey! Come back" I yelled as I ran after him.


End file.
